a straw and a camel's back

Okay, so the reason I haven't been writing lately is that I don't have anything positive to write about. I've been waiting things out, day to day, in hopes that this will phase itself out and my life will go back to normal...well, it hasn't. Since I started this blog (and its predecessor) as a way to paint a detailed picture of the ups and the downs of Navy life, I finally decided that I might as well get all of this off my chest.

I've been starting to realize that this isn't just a short-term problem for a week or so now, but I didn't really let myself see that until yesterday morning. Our pastor paused worship for a second, and asked us each to think of something we are grateful for in our lives, and to praise God through our worship for his goodness to each of us. I couldn't think of anything to feel grateful for. I just felt angry, because God has decided to put me through trial after trial and I don't know why. And then I felt selfish and snotty, because I know that there are so many people who are so much worse off than I am. I spent the rest of the day thinking about things that I am grateful for (I did manage to come up with some, just in case you're about to scold me), but I also tried to figure out what has happened to my life over the past few months.

I realized that, at the very least, I need to just unload for a second. I'm not going to pretend that I have any idea what I'm supposed to be learning from this, or how this all plays into the "bigger picture", and I don't particularly want anybody's opinion about what I should or should not be doing right now...if you don't like that, go read Job and pay close attention to what God says to Job's "helpful" friends. I also don't want to go cry at my girlfriends, because they've all go enough on their plates right now. So I figured this nameless, faceless forum would have to do.

So here's the thing. Daniel decided the other night, maybe a week ago, that he doesn't want to be married anymore. When I asked him why, he said that he's a bad person and he doesn't want to hurt me anymore. I didn't know how to react to that...I mean, shouldn't I be the one to decide when I've had enough? I called him out on that, and said that it sounded like a pretty flimsy "it's-not-you-it's-me" excuse. He insisted that I've been an "amazing" wife, and he's tired of making me hurt when I deserve "so much better"...I didn't know what to say to that. I'm really hurt and really confused and really frustrated.

We've been having issues for awhile, but I thought that things were getting better. The biggest problem is that Daniel tells incessant lies...he lies to everyone about everything. This most likely began when he was a child...he has huge abandonment issues relating to his horrendous childhood, and it's apparently really common for children in similar situations to lie as a way of creating a "safety bubble" around themselves. But now that he's an adult, it's not something that can just be brushed aside. We've been dealing with this problem for years, but he's never really been willing to admit to the problem and take steps to make the changes. This summer, though, some issues regarding infidelity came up, and I realized that I simply couldn't believe a word that came out of my husband's mouth. There is nothing more heart-wrenching than realizing that you can't trust the one person you should be able to trust. We fought our way through those problems, and things seemed to be slowly getting more stable. He started talking to a Chaplain at his FOB, and it seemed to be helping.

That is, until last week. He called me and told me that he couldn't stop lying...that even on deployment, he was lying to his family and friends over the phone, and that he didn't think it was a habit that he would ever be able to break. I told him that he was the only person who made words come out of his mouth, and if he didn't want to tell lies anymore, then he would just have to stop letting lies come out of his mouth. He told me that he couldn't do that. I asked what the Chaplain said, and he said that the Chaplain told him that it was his choice and "some people just can't stop" telling lies. I was angry about that...what kind of Chaplain tells his troops that it's essentially okay for them to tell constant lies? Especially in the Navy, where Daniel is supposed to uphold values like "integrity" and "honor"? Daniel told me that, in talking to the Chaplain, he realized what a "bad person" he really is. I've loved Daniel for five years, and know that he really is a good person. He might have allowed that "good" part of him to get pushed down inside of him, but that it's still there if he wants to pull it back out. He said that he didn't think he could do that, and told me that he wants a divorce.

I'm so overwhelmed...I feel betrayed and angry and hurt and sad and panicky and pretty much every other negative emotion you could think of. I'm infuriated that he's throwing our marriage away because he's unwilling to stop telling lies. I don't want a divorce. Period. I thought that "no divorce" was something we both staunchly believed in...I feel totally blindsided by this. I don't know what to do. At all. About anything.

So that's what's going on here...I'm fighting to save my marriage across thirteen time zones. I suppose that that in itself is a pretty clear picture of what military marriages are all about.

one foot in front of the other

My ability to accurately judge the passage of time is quickly flying out the window. This can be a good thing, like when I glanced at the calendar last night and was astonished that Daniel's already been gone for nearly a month...it seems like he just left yesterday. This can also be a bad thing, like when I logged in to my CourseCompass account this afternoon to submit an assignment for my math class, and discovered that today is, in fact, Thursday, and the assignment was actually due by midnight last night. Oops. This is also why I've gotten bad about updating this damn thing..."I'll write something tomorrow" turns into the next day and then the next, and suddenly I guiltily realize that it's been quite a few more "tomorrows" than I care to admit.

I also have been in kind of a funk lately, with everything that's going on, and don't really feel like churning out whiny rants every couple of days. I mean, I'd like you to enjoy reading this blog, instead of groaning inwardly every time you see a new post.

So let me get you all up to speed on everything that's been going on in good ol' San Diego since we chatted last...

Oh, the command Family Readiness Group hosted a Thanksgiving potluck last Sunday at our ombudsman's house. Awilda deserves to be awarded some sort of commendation for having dozens of wives armed with bottles of wine swarming through her house for hours! It was so much fun, though...everybody had a really great time. Everybody has such incredibly busy lives, between work or school or children, and I relish the rare opportunities we are given to get together in one big group. And it's so nice to touch base with the other wives in person: to touch Holly's pregnant belly, to see Lisa's cute new haircut, to give old friends warm hugs. I talked to Cynthia, the new XO's wife, for quite a while, and she seems to be a genuinely nice person. I'm looking forward to getting to know her better! A representative from the command attended the potluck with a video camera, and all of us took turns stepping outside to record video messages to send to our husbands. While Daniel and I are lucky enough to be able to talk on the phone fairly regularly, I think he'll enjoy watching my silly recording on his laptop. Rumor has it that the guys in the desert either have the same video capabilities, or they will be getting them shortly, so here's hoping I get my own silly video from Daniel.

I can't believe that the holidays are upon us already...like I said earlier, I just can't comprehend how fast time is really going by! Daisy and I are taking a road trip up to Oakdale next Tuesday, where we'll spend Thanksgiving surrounded by family and friends before returning to San Diego on Sunday. Once I get back to school, I'll have only a week and a half until final exams start...this semester can't possibly be over already, can it? I'm so glad that time is moving along so quickly, though...I'm ready for June to hurry up and get here!

apologies...

Some things came up this evening, and I'm now WAY behind on studying for tomorrow's math test. Let me just make it through that, and then I'll update tomorrow. I promise. Thanks for understanding!

this post is brought to you by the letter aaaaaaargh

Can you believe it's November already? Time flies when you're having fun...which, of course, is all I ever do. Or, you know, something like that.

So we've all made it through the first week...and, wow, I don't think this week could have gone by any slower. I really hope time starts speeding up again soon, because I'm not thrilled at the thought of going through so many more months of this. Sigh.

I'm feeling kind of sorry for myself tonight. I'll snap out of it, I promise, but I figure I've earned the right to be cranky for a little while. I really miss my husband. I mean, I know that, in the overall scheme of things, this deployment really isn't that long...but I also know that, as I'm actually going through it, each day seems longer than the day before it. No matter how many deployments we do, I can't imagine them ever being "easy." I'm just working on the whole "one day at a time" thing. Adapt and overcome, right? Right.

I'm keeping busy with school...the student loan fiasco is turning into a full time job, on top of the 18 credits I'm taking this semester. When I accepted USD's offer of admission, I based my acceptance on the terrific financial aid package they offered. USD is an outrageously expensive, prestigious, private Catholic school, and we never could have afforded it on our own. My combination of scholarships, grants, and federal loans covered all but $900 of the annual tuition, which we easily could pay out of pocket over the course of the year. All was fine...until I actually started classes. Then, they started asking for all sorts of additional "verification" paperwork...I'd submit one piece, and they'd decide they needed two more, and so on. After I finally finished submitting the piles of forms they requested, they dropped a bombshell: we just make "too much money" and they were retracting most of my offered aid. Now, I don't know about you, but when you think of military paychecks, you don't exactly think of heaps of cash. In fact, the reason that there are countless aid socities providing financial support to military personnel and their families is because we really aren't paid very much. USD doesn't care, though, and has changed our "expected contribution" from $900 to over $12,000. Yes, that would be out-of-pocket expenses. I am so butthurt. I guess I'll just have to stop blowing my lavish piles of money on frivolous things, like gas for my economy car and store-brand food from the commissary, and funnel it towards my silly little Catholic education. Argh.

On a brighter note, my favorite uncle is on a business trip in southern California this week. He drove out to San Diego today, and took me out for lunch at Oggi's, one of our favorite pizza-and-beer joints. They brew the best IPA, and make great pizza. Plus, since it was a Sunday afternoon, we kept an eye on all the football games. It was just what I needed: a nice distraction from today's pity party.

Okay, well, I'll stop whining now. Thanks for putting up with me. :)

one...two...three years

If you want to be all technical about it, we technically got married three years ago yesterday, due to Guam's position on the far side of the International Date Line. Regardless, today is the second of three anniversaries that Daniel's missed.

It's kind of weird to sit and reflect on my husband and our marriage and all that, while he's halfway around the world. We actually talked briefly this morning, and neither of us even remembered that it was one of those *special* days...I forgot entirely until about an hour after we hung up. He did send me three dozen roses yesterday, and they're in vases all over the house. I guess he gets brownie points for that. ;)

Today was kinda rough...I'm not sure why. I didn't sleep well at all last night, so being really tired all day probably had something to do with it. Hopefully, I'll be able to get some sleep tonight. I pointedly didn't take a nap today, so maybe that'll help. But anyway, I got home from school at about 1300, and just wandered aimlessly around the house. I couldn't concentrate on anything...it took me almost three hours to finish 16 math problems, because I kept wandering away from the computer. I didn't even really get anything accomplished while I was puttering! I mean, I finally finished the homework, and I started a load of laundry, and that was about it. Oh, and I raked the backyard. Oh, and I made a pretty yellow ribbon to tie around the column on our front porch. See? Okay, I guess I got something done!

Oh, I talked to my amazing mother-in-law this afternoon...seriously, I have the best MIL around and don't know what I'd do without her. ;) Anyway, we were talking about stuff to mail out there, and it reminded me...Daniel's team is going to be stuck at a teeny-tiny little COB in the middle of the desert, alllllll winter. While we all get to sit home in our heated houses eating turkey and other holiday goodies, these poor guys get two meals a day, plus MREs. If you've ever eaten an MRE, you know that they, well, aren't exactly "good eats." If anybody wants to mail out a care package, non-perishable food would be really appreciated. It should take about three weeks for mail from the US to reach his camp, so keep that in mind. Opening a box full of moldy brownies probably won't do a whole lot for their morale. Other than that, I don't think they're picky. If you aren't sure what to send, let me know...I'd love to share ideas. Or if you've got ideas for care packages, feel free to leave a comment. I can't wait to see what you come up with!

it's that time already...

Daniel's gone. Wheels went up at 1644, and off he went into the wild blue yonder.

After thirteen months and some-odd days, you'd think I'd be ready for him to head back out the door. I mean, that's the kind of thing military wives joke about...and in this community, such a long gap between deployments is almost unheard of. And we knew that this third deployment was coming. Seriously, we've had rough dates since early spring. It wasn't like it was a big surprise, or anything.

But, man...waking up this morning and realizing that today was the day really sucked. No matter how many times he heads out on a new mission, no matter how many times I bravely wave good bye, no matter how many times I walk into my suddenly-empty house...it never gets any easier. It just doesn't. I mean, on one hand, it's nice knowing what to expect on each successive deployment. I know how hard the first few weeks will be, but I also know that it will get easier, as time progresses and I settle back into a routine. But, on the other hand, sending your husband off to war is the most heart-wrenching thing any woman can do. I mean, I married him for a reason. I like being with him...not being alone for months and months while he's being shot at in far off places. I don't know...call me crazy, but I don't think that will ever be "easy."

Today's departure, though, was the easiest departure we've ever done. Every other deployment or operation or training evolution or whatever he's been sent away on has started the same way: I drop him off curbside at a civilian airport. I help him pull his civilian luggage out of the back of the Xterra, kiss him quickly, and watch him head into the terminal like every other Joe Six Pack (thanks, Sarah Palin) heading off on a business trip...except that my husband isn't going to a weekend conference in Bumfuck, Idaho. I didn't realize that sending him off all by his onsie was what made it so hard..until today. Daniel actually left with a TEAM today. There were a couple dozen guys leaving with him, and most of them have wives or girlfriends. All of us girls sat in the unit space this morning, cracking jokes about how many sailors it takes to secure a cargo net to a pallet of gear (no fewer than thirty seven, if you're interested) and swapping deployment stories. It was the first time I've ever been "un-alone" on a departure day, and it was the most comforting feeling. Once they finished prepping all the pallets for transit, we all convoyed over to the air station...and again, I wasn't alone. I was astonished at what a difference it made. When they were bussed out onto the tarmac to board their flight, I gave him that last quick kiss and waved good bye...but then, instead of bursting into tears and driving straight home, I turned around and found myself surrounded by other Navy wives who were going through the exact same thing I was. I wasn't alone. For the first time, I didn't have to do it by myself. It was amazing.

Don't get me wrong...I'm not happy that he's gone. This wasn't an "easy" departure, by any means...but it was easier than any other departure we've done. And that gives me high hopes that this deployment might be easier than any of the others. I know it won't be easy, but I'm just working on taking things as they come, day by day...and hopefully, remembering that I'm not alone will make each day better than the day before it.

Do me a favor, though...as you're reading this and thinking about how strong and brave and generally amazing I am (cough, cough), please take a minute to remember how truly strong and brave and seriously amazing my husband and his teammates are. No matter what you think about this war or this presidency or any of that, please remember that the men and women over there are simply following orders, and bravely leaving their homes and families to fight for something so much bigger than any of them. I, for one, am so proud to be my husband's Navy wife, and I am so grateful for all the sacrifices he is making for all of us.

I'm having one of those days where I have a lot on my mind, but everything is kind of jumbled together and I can't figure out how to spit it all out coherently.

We moved back into military housing in April, after seven-or-so months of living in a civilian condo complex. I love it--we lucked out and landed a really nice house on a super-friendly street. The girl next door, E, is amazing and sweet and funny, and she's got the two CUTEST little preschool girls I've ever seen. Daisy thinks E is her second mommy, and is endlessly patient with the girls.



E's husband, C, is deployed, and she's running a little ragged with the girls and never-ending housework. E and C have been married for seven years, but the last couple of years have been pretty strained. I mean, it sounds like things are definitely starting to look up now, but for a while there last year, things were really bad. E's friend, J, just decided to send her kids to spend the summer with grandma, because her marriage has gotten to the point where she needs to focus entirely on fixing it, instead of worrying about her two small children. A, who lives in the house next to E, filed for divorce only to have her husband immediately leave on a deployment, leaving him conveniently unreachable.

I don't know what to think. I mean, military divorces aren't exactly unheard of. It's really hard being married to someone in the military. Yes, military brides kind of have an idea of what they're getting into before they walk down the aisle. But somewhere, in month six of what should have been only a two-month exercise in some country you're not allowed to be made aware of, patience and understanding and lovin' feelings fly out the window...not that I'm still bitter, or anything like that.

going and going and going..

It was brought to my attention that I haven't updated this thing in a while, so Paul, this one's for you. By the way...Blogger doesn't let me see how many hits I get, but I've activated the comment feature: If you leave me comments, I'll know you're following along! ;)

Daniel went back to China Lake this morning. I've got mixed feelings about this exercise: on one hand, it's nice having him home every weekend...but man, it sucks saying "goodbye" every single weekend. And the poor dog gets SO unhappy when he leaves again, and I don't know how to make her understand that he really is coming back home. I'm just relieved that this is his last week away from home, and then I'll have him all to myself for at least a month!

Everything here has been so incredibly busy lately...I can't believe how fast time is flying by. I had the bright idea to cram ten credits of Spanish into ten weeks of summer school, and it's completely kicking my ass. I mean, I'm understanding everything in the class and doing well on all my tests, but the sheer amount of work is just mind-boggling. I mean, seriously, I don't think I've ever had this much homework, even when I'm taking five or six classes in a full semester. I guess all the repetition is good for me, but still...I'm only two weeks in, and am already anxious for this to be over with.

Let's see. Oh, everything is going remarkably well with the Cobalt. We totally love USAA and the dealership that we bought our car from...I'm seriously so surprised how smoothly everything is going! It actually looks like we should have our little car back this week, good as new. I am so stoked. Speaking of cars, we've finally decided to sell the Xterra this fall, before Daniel goes back overseas. It's a great car and we'll really miss it, but we just can't justify keeping it with gas prices staying so high. I think we're going to replace it with a Saturn Vue hybrid...I'll keep you updated.

I think that's really about it...at the moment, my life revolves around that damn Spanish class. Oh, and Army Wives...but that's a whole 'nother story.

We're melting!

I don't know what it's been like for you, but this weekend here in San Diego was just too damn hot. Good news for us, though: our central air was installed last week, and was all hooked up and functioning on Thursday evening...just in time! The nice thing about living so close to the beach, though, is that it cools down drastically at night. It was about 97* today, but now it's cooled off into the low 70's. I love being able to open the windows in the evening and let fresh cool night air in, instead of having to run the air conditioner nonstop.

It was too hot to do much outside today. Daniel and I went to the Navy Exchange and the mall this morning before we ran out of "indoor" places to go, and headed back to the house. It was about 1430 by the time we made it home, and we decided to just make an early dinner-late lunch. We whipped up this delicious, savory bread pudding, with sauteed greens, shredded chicken, Italian cheeses, and sun dried tomatoes...it was amazing, and quick, and light, and hands down our new go-to dish. That, plus "What Happens in Vegas" and frozen yogurt, and it was pretty much a perfect Sunday.

Oh my gosh, that reminds me...when we were heading out to get yogurt on our way home from the movies, we passed this car accident. It must have just happened, because the police hadn't even showed up. This Toyota crossover-looking car and another silver car had smashed into each other, and the Toyota was flipped over on its roof. We were totally shocked...but the even more shocking thing was that neither car was badly damaged, and everybody was walking away just fine. It looked like one guy had a bloody nose, but that was it. It was absolutely miraculous that something that could have been so tragic turned out so...blandly. I've never seen a car just sitting upside down in the middle of the road, and I still can't figure out how everyone just walked away.

Oh, and what's even more astonishing is that this Toyota was seriously sitting upside down, but other than that, appeared undamaged. The windshield wasn't even cracked. The passengers were able to open their doors and get out on their own. I don't know what kind of Toyota it was, but man, I want one!

Anyway, we eventually made it home, and realized that it's almost bedtime. And tomorrow's Monday. Blech. I don't know about you, but this weekend was JUST not long enough. This, thankfully, is the last week of the semester. I have finals on Wednesday, and then I'm DONE...well, until summer sessions start on On 02 June.

Another one down...

So the spring semester is almost over...I took my Macroeconomics final yesterday, have a Comms test tomorrow, and have the remaining two finals next Wednesday. Whew! This whole month is just a blur of textbooks and study guides and number 2 pencils, and I'm really ready for it to be over with.

I think I'm just ready for it ALL to be over with...some days, I feel like I'm just going to sit in classrooms all day, every day, until I'm gray and wrinkled. I know that, in the overall scheme of things, my college education won't really take that long. But man, sometimes I feel like I'm never going to get my degree. Especially since I need a Master's degree to get anywhere in clinical psychology and counseling...and now, it's looking like I'm going to have to get my doctorate, too, in order to specialize in trauma and grief counseling. Sigh.

Ask and ye shall receive!

So one of the "perks" you get as a military wife is the excitement of redecorating a whole new house every couple of years. For those of you who aren't keeping a running tally of my incessant moves, I'm currently working on the fourth house in two-and-a-half years. Don't get me wrong, I love that delicious thrill that comes with a new set of house keys and an empty house waiting for me to make it ours. But after moving an average of once every 7.25 months, the novelty of playing "This Old House" is finally starting to wear off.

For instance, I have stubbornly refused to hang any pictures on the walls this time around. I mean, it takes so long to figure out where you want the pictures...then you have to choose an arrangement...then you have to make sure each picture is level and evenly spaced...it's just so much tedious WORK! So, for now, all of our "wall art" is neatly leaning against walls all over the house, carefully positioned under the space it will eventually occupy. Whatever. I'll get to it...eventually. Probably right before the Navy decides we should move somewhere else. Sigh.

Oh, and another frustration: as soon as I have a house set up just the way I want it, we move. And, inevitably, our new house has a vastly different floorplan than the one preceding it. When we moved from Guam, we downsized dramatically. Our two-story, two-bedroom house with a garage and backyard became a second-floor condo, with a single bedroom, a "laundry closet", and a carport. I can't even begin to tell you how much stuff we were forced to give away. It wasn't such a big deal, though...until we moved into our current two-story, three bedroom house with a garage AND a shed and a big backyard. We're still figuring out the best way to use up all of the space we suddenly have.

Another thing...at least one piece of furniture dies a horribly violent death during each move. We had this big nice bookshelf in our dining room in Guam that was full of cookbooks and knick-knacks and photographs. It shattered--yes, shattered--into a million tiny pieces somewhere over the Pacific. We didn't even bother filing the mounds of paperwork to have it replaced...we just sucked it up and pressed onward. We never did get around to replacing it.

Anyway.

Our current house has an absolutely amazing kitchen. It's big and bright and airy, with a beautiful garden window I've filled with little white pots of fresh herbs, and a big built-in desk, and a big gas stove. I totally love my kitchen. But there's this big empty wall across from the desk. It's been driving me nuts. I just want to put something there so that wall doesn't look so...I don't know...lonely. I was sitting in class this morning, sketching (I mean, "taking notes"), and I suddenly realized that I was sketching potential furniture to put against that wall.

Side note: Daniel is THRILLED to have a garage and a shed, and is starting to collect power tools and woodworking toys at an astonishing speed. This is awesome for me, because if I ask him to cut me some wood for some random project, he happily goes out to the garage and does "man things." Like, he spent an entire weekend building these astonishingly sturdy plyometric boxes that he can jump on and off of for PT. They're far more impressive than they sound, trust me.

Anyway, over the course of the class, I sketched out plans for a bench with shelves and cubbies underneath the seat. I decided it would be four feet long and about a foot-and-a-half both high and deep. A six inch shelf would run the length of the top, for stashing photographs and candles and other girly things, and under it would be four foot-by-foot cubbies that I could slide junk baskets into. I figured I'd have Daniel cut the wood for me, and then I'd assemble and finish it while he's off at team training this June. I pranced out of class feeling very proud of myself...not only had I figured out how to fill up that empty space in my otherwise-perfect kitchen, I was going to make this piece of furniture all by myself. I know, how amazing am I?

Paul, I can just hear you laughing at me. Knock it off. ;)

Daniel's working nights right now, so Daisy and I spent the afternoon hanging out with a girlfriend, Kalia, and her pup Kinga. As I was walking Kalia out to her car so we could feed the dogs dinner, I saw a ton of random furniture spread out across the driveway across from us. It was kinda weird, because the occupants of that house moved away last week, and the lockbox was still firmly attached to the front door, so no newbies had moved in. It turned out that the people who moved out had left a bunch of random stuff in their attic and garage, and the contractors prepping the house for the next tenant hauled it out for the garbageman to take away. A couple of the other wives and I wandered over to poke through this pile of junk, and that's when I found it: a beautiful, solid wood bookshelf, the same shade as the rest of our furniture. I was so stoked! Amber and Lara and I hauled it across the street and into my kitchen, and I discovered that it fit that empty wall perfectly. Coincidence? I think not!

I spent the next hour cleaning it up and buffing out scratches and polishing it until the wood glowed. I'm still so totally excited about this totally serendipitous find...talk about killing two birds with one stone! I filled the bottom shelf up with all my cookbooks, and the rest of the shelves hold all the photographs and souvenirs and knick-knacks that have remained boxed up since their bookshelf arrived in pieces.

You know that feeling you get when you slide the last, elusive piece of a puzzle into its spot? Well, that's pretty much how I feel now: my perfect little house is now complete. Maybe the Navy will actually let us STAY here for a little while now!

Blog, take two.

Okay, so I gave up on my last blog...it wasn't just working out. Besides, I hadn't posted in...um...just over a year. Yeah. Instead of trying to kick-start that one, I figured it would be more satisfying to just start a new one from scratch. So. Here I am.

I'll be better about maintaining this one, I swear.