Okay, so the reason I haven't been writing lately is that I don't have anything positive to write about. I've been waiting things out, day to day, in hopes that this will phase itself out and my life will go back to normal...well, it hasn't. Since I started this blog (and its predecessor) as a way to paint a detailed picture of the ups and the downs of Navy life, I finally decided that I might as well get all of this off my chest.
I've been starting to realize that this isn't just a short-term problem for a week or so now, but I didn't really let myself see that until yesterday morning. Our pastor paused worship for a second, and asked us each to think of something we are grateful for in our lives, and to praise God through our worship for his goodness to each of us. I couldn't think of anything to feel grateful for. I just felt angry, because God has decided to put me through trial after trial and I don't know why. And then I felt selfish and snotty, because I know that there are so many people who are so much worse off than I am. I spent the rest of the day thinking about things that I am grateful for (I did manage to come up with some, just in case you're about to scold me), but I also tried to figure out what has happened to my life over the past few months.
I realized that, at the very least, I need to just unload for a second. I'm not going to pretend that I have any idea what I'm supposed to be learning from this, or how this all plays into the "bigger picture", and I don't particularly want anybody's opinion about what I should or should not be doing right now...if you don't like that, go read Job and pay close attention to what God says to Job's "helpful" friends. I also don't want to go cry at my girlfriends, because they've all go enough on their plates right now. So I figured this nameless, faceless forum would have to do.
So here's the thing. Daniel decided the other night, maybe a week ago, that he doesn't want to be married anymore. When I asked him why, he said that he's a bad person and he doesn't want to hurt me anymore. I didn't know how to react to that...I mean, shouldn't I be the one to decide when I've had enough? I called him out on that, and said that it sounded like a pretty flimsy "it's-not-you-it's-me" excuse. He insisted that I've been an "amazing" wife, and he's tired of making me hurt when I deserve "so much better"...I didn't know what to say to that. I'm really hurt and really confused and really frustrated.
We've been having issues for awhile, but I thought that things were getting better. The biggest problem is that Daniel tells incessant lies...he lies to everyone about everything. This most likely began when he was a child...he has huge abandonment issues relating to his horrendous childhood, and it's apparently really common for children in similar situations to lie as a way of creating a "safety bubble" around themselves. But now that he's an adult, it's not something that can just be brushed aside. We've been dealing with this problem for years, but he's never really been willing to admit to the problem and take steps to make the changes. This summer, though, some issues regarding infidelity came up, and I realized that I simply couldn't believe a word that came out of my husband's mouth. There is nothing more heart-wrenching than realizing that you can't trust the one person you should be able to trust. We fought our way through those problems, and things seemed to be slowly getting more stable. He started talking to a Chaplain at his FOB, and it seemed to be helping.
That is, until last week. He called me and told me that he couldn't stop lying...that even on deployment, he was lying to his family and friends over the phone, and that he didn't think it was a habit that he would ever be able to break. I told him that he was the only person who made words come out of his mouth, and if he didn't want to tell lies anymore, then he would just have to stop letting lies come out of his mouth. He told me that he couldn't do that. I asked what the Chaplain said, and he said that the Chaplain told him that it was his choice and "some people just can't stop" telling lies. I was angry about that...what kind of Chaplain tells his troops that it's essentially okay for them to tell constant lies? Especially in the Navy, where Daniel is supposed to uphold values like "integrity" and "honor"? Daniel told me that, in talking to the Chaplain, he realized what a "bad person" he really is. I've loved Daniel for five years, and know that he really is a good person. He might have allowed that "good" part of him to get pushed down inside of him, but that it's still there if he wants to pull it back out. He said that he didn't think he could do that, and told me that he wants a divorce.
I'm so overwhelmed...I feel betrayed and angry and hurt and sad and panicky and pretty much every other negative emotion you could think of. I'm infuriated that he's throwing our marriage away because he's unwilling to stop telling lies. I don't want a divorce. Period. I thought that "no divorce" was something we both staunchly believed in...I feel totally blindsided by this. I don't know what to do. At all. About anything.
So that's what's going on here...I'm fighting to save my marriage across thirteen time zones. I suppose that that in itself is a pretty clear picture of what military marriages are all about.
