a straw and a camel's back

Okay, so the reason I haven't been writing lately is that I don't have anything positive to write about. I've been waiting things out, day to day, in hopes that this will phase itself out and my life will go back to normal...well, it hasn't. Since I started this blog (and its predecessor) as a way to paint a detailed picture of the ups and the downs of Navy life, I finally decided that I might as well get all of this off my chest.

I've been starting to realize that this isn't just a short-term problem for a week or so now, but I didn't really let myself see that until yesterday morning. Our pastor paused worship for a second, and asked us each to think of something we are grateful for in our lives, and to praise God through our worship for his goodness to each of us. I couldn't think of anything to feel grateful for. I just felt angry, because God has decided to put me through trial after trial and I don't know why. And then I felt selfish and snotty, because I know that there are so many people who are so much worse off than I am. I spent the rest of the day thinking about things that I am grateful for (I did manage to come up with some, just in case you're about to scold me), but I also tried to figure out what has happened to my life over the past few months.

I realized that, at the very least, I need to just unload for a second. I'm not going to pretend that I have any idea what I'm supposed to be learning from this, or how this all plays into the "bigger picture", and I don't particularly want anybody's opinion about what I should or should not be doing right now...if you don't like that, go read Job and pay close attention to what God says to Job's "helpful" friends. I also don't want to go cry at my girlfriends, because they've all go enough on their plates right now. So I figured this nameless, faceless forum would have to do.

So here's the thing. Daniel decided the other night, maybe a week ago, that he doesn't want to be married anymore. When I asked him why, he said that he's a bad person and he doesn't want to hurt me anymore. I didn't know how to react to that...I mean, shouldn't I be the one to decide when I've had enough? I called him out on that, and said that it sounded like a pretty flimsy "it's-not-you-it's-me" excuse. He insisted that I've been an "amazing" wife, and he's tired of making me hurt when I deserve "so much better"...I didn't know what to say to that. I'm really hurt and really confused and really frustrated.

We've been having issues for awhile, but I thought that things were getting better. The biggest problem is that Daniel tells incessant lies...he lies to everyone about everything. This most likely began when he was a child...he has huge abandonment issues relating to his horrendous childhood, and it's apparently really common for children in similar situations to lie as a way of creating a "safety bubble" around themselves. But now that he's an adult, it's not something that can just be brushed aside. We've been dealing with this problem for years, but he's never really been willing to admit to the problem and take steps to make the changes. This summer, though, some issues regarding infidelity came up, and I realized that I simply couldn't believe a word that came out of my husband's mouth. There is nothing more heart-wrenching than realizing that you can't trust the one person you should be able to trust. We fought our way through those problems, and things seemed to be slowly getting more stable. He started talking to a Chaplain at his FOB, and it seemed to be helping.

That is, until last week. He called me and told me that he couldn't stop lying...that even on deployment, he was lying to his family and friends over the phone, and that he didn't think it was a habit that he would ever be able to break. I told him that he was the only person who made words come out of his mouth, and if he didn't want to tell lies anymore, then he would just have to stop letting lies come out of his mouth. He told me that he couldn't do that. I asked what the Chaplain said, and he said that the Chaplain told him that it was his choice and "some people just can't stop" telling lies. I was angry about that...what kind of Chaplain tells his troops that it's essentially okay for them to tell constant lies? Especially in the Navy, where Daniel is supposed to uphold values like "integrity" and "honor"? Daniel told me that, in talking to the Chaplain, he realized what a "bad person" he really is. I've loved Daniel for five years, and know that he really is a good person. He might have allowed that "good" part of him to get pushed down inside of him, but that it's still there if he wants to pull it back out. He said that he didn't think he could do that, and told me that he wants a divorce.

I'm so overwhelmed...I feel betrayed and angry and hurt and sad and panicky and pretty much every other negative emotion you could think of. I'm infuriated that he's throwing our marriage away because he's unwilling to stop telling lies. I don't want a divorce. Period. I thought that "no divorce" was something we both staunchly believed in...I feel totally blindsided by this. I don't know what to do. At all. About anything.

So that's what's going on here...I'm fighting to save my marriage across thirteen time zones. I suppose that that in itself is a pretty clear picture of what military marriages are all about.

one foot in front of the other

My ability to accurately judge the passage of time is quickly flying out the window. This can be a good thing, like when I glanced at the calendar last night and was astonished that Daniel's already been gone for nearly a month...it seems like he just left yesterday. This can also be a bad thing, like when I logged in to my CourseCompass account this afternoon to submit an assignment for my math class, and discovered that today is, in fact, Thursday, and the assignment was actually due by midnight last night. Oops. This is also why I've gotten bad about updating this damn thing..."I'll write something tomorrow" turns into the next day and then the next, and suddenly I guiltily realize that it's been quite a few more "tomorrows" than I care to admit.

I also have been in kind of a funk lately, with everything that's going on, and don't really feel like churning out whiny rants every couple of days. I mean, I'd like you to enjoy reading this blog, instead of groaning inwardly every time you see a new post.

So let me get you all up to speed on everything that's been going on in good ol' San Diego since we chatted last...

Oh, the command Family Readiness Group hosted a Thanksgiving potluck last Sunday at our ombudsman's house. Awilda deserves to be awarded some sort of commendation for having dozens of wives armed with bottles of wine swarming through her house for hours! It was so much fun, though...everybody had a really great time. Everybody has such incredibly busy lives, between work or school or children, and I relish the rare opportunities we are given to get together in one big group. And it's so nice to touch base with the other wives in person: to touch Holly's pregnant belly, to see Lisa's cute new haircut, to give old friends warm hugs. I talked to Cynthia, the new XO's wife, for quite a while, and she seems to be a genuinely nice person. I'm looking forward to getting to know her better! A representative from the command attended the potluck with a video camera, and all of us took turns stepping outside to record video messages to send to our husbands. While Daniel and I are lucky enough to be able to talk on the phone fairly regularly, I think he'll enjoy watching my silly recording on his laptop. Rumor has it that the guys in the desert either have the same video capabilities, or they will be getting them shortly, so here's hoping I get my own silly video from Daniel.

I can't believe that the holidays are upon us already...like I said earlier, I just can't comprehend how fast time is really going by! Daisy and I are taking a road trip up to Oakdale next Tuesday, where we'll spend Thanksgiving surrounded by family and friends before returning to San Diego on Sunday. Once I get back to school, I'll have only a week and a half until final exams start...this semester can't possibly be over already, can it? I'm so glad that time is moving along so quickly, though...I'm ready for June to hurry up and get here!

one...two...three years

If you want to be all technical about it, we technically got married three years ago yesterday, due to Guam's position on the far side of the International Date Line. Regardless, today is the second of three anniversaries that Daniel's missed.

It's kind of weird to sit and reflect on my husband and our marriage and all that, while he's halfway around the world. We actually talked briefly this morning, and neither of us even remembered that it was one of those *special* days...I forgot entirely until about an hour after we hung up. He did send me three dozen roses yesterday, and they're in vases all over the house. I guess he gets brownie points for that. ;)

Today was kinda rough...I'm not sure why. I didn't sleep well at all last night, so being really tired all day probably had something to do with it. Hopefully, I'll be able to get some sleep tonight. I pointedly didn't take a nap today, so maybe that'll help. But anyway, I got home from school at about 1300, and just wandered aimlessly around the house. I couldn't concentrate on anything...it took me almost three hours to finish 16 math problems, because I kept wandering away from the computer. I didn't even really get anything accomplished while I was puttering! I mean, I finally finished the homework, and I started a load of laundry, and that was about it. Oh, and I raked the backyard. Oh, and I made a pretty yellow ribbon to tie around the column on our front porch. See? Okay, I guess I got something done!

Oh, I talked to my amazing mother-in-law this afternoon...seriously, I have the best MIL around and don't know what I'd do without her. ;) Anyway, we were talking about stuff to mail out there, and it reminded me...Daniel's team is going to be stuck at a teeny-tiny little COB in the middle of the desert, alllllll winter. While we all get to sit home in our heated houses eating turkey and other holiday goodies, these poor guys get two meals a day, plus MREs. If you've ever eaten an MRE, you know that they, well, aren't exactly "good eats." If anybody wants to mail out a care package, non-perishable food would be really appreciated. It should take about three weeks for mail from the US to reach his camp, so keep that in mind. Opening a box full of moldy brownies probably won't do a whole lot for their morale. Other than that, I don't think they're picky. If you aren't sure what to send, let me know...I'd love to share ideas. Or if you've got ideas for care packages, feel free to leave a comment. I can't wait to see what you come up with!

going and going and going..

It was brought to my attention that I haven't updated this thing in a while, so Paul, this one's for you. By the way...Blogger doesn't let me see how many hits I get, but I've activated the comment feature: If you leave me comments, I'll know you're following along! ;)

Daniel went back to China Lake this morning. I've got mixed feelings about this exercise: on one hand, it's nice having him home every weekend...but man, it sucks saying "goodbye" every single weekend. And the poor dog gets SO unhappy when he leaves again, and I don't know how to make her understand that he really is coming back home. I'm just relieved that this is his last week away from home, and then I'll have him all to myself for at least a month!

Everything here has been so incredibly busy lately...I can't believe how fast time is flying by. I had the bright idea to cram ten credits of Spanish into ten weeks of summer school, and it's completely kicking my ass. I mean, I'm understanding everything in the class and doing well on all my tests, but the sheer amount of work is just mind-boggling. I mean, seriously, I don't think I've ever had this much homework, even when I'm taking five or six classes in a full semester. I guess all the repetition is good for me, but still...I'm only two weeks in, and am already anxious for this to be over with.

Let's see. Oh, everything is going remarkably well with the Cobalt. We totally love USAA and the dealership that we bought our car from...I'm seriously so surprised how smoothly everything is going! It actually looks like we should have our little car back this week, good as new. I am so stoked. Speaking of cars, we've finally decided to sell the Xterra this fall, before Daniel goes back overseas. It's a great car and we'll really miss it, but we just can't justify keeping it with gas prices staying so high. I think we're going to replace it with a Saturn Vue hybrid...I'll keep you updated.

I think that's really about it...at the moment, my life revolves around that damn Spanish class. Oh, and Army Wives...but that's a whole 'nother story.