Wednesday, January 22, 2014
Hi.
I'm Sarah.
I've always been a writer. I just...stopped writing, I guess. I've been meaning to get back in the habit of putting pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard) for awhile, but life kept getting in the way. But I finally realized that I need that bit of clarity, that spark of motivation, that flash of accountability in my life, especially since I became a stay-at-home-mom and moved halfway across the country. I need something just for me.
So here it is. I'm blogging. Thanks for reading!
I'm Sarah.
I've always been a writer. I just...stopped writing, I guess. I've been meaning to get back in the habit of putting pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard) for awhile, but life kept getting in the way. But I finally realized that I need that bit of clarity, that spark of motivation, that flash of accountability in my life, especially since I became a stay-at-home-mom and moved halfway across the country. I need something just for me.
So here it is. I'm blogging. Thanks for reading!
Monday, December 1, 2008
a straw and a camel's back
Okay, so the reason I haven't been writing lately is that I don't have anything positive to write about. I've been waiting things out, day to day, in hopes that this will phase itself out and my life will go back to normal...well, it hasn't. Since I started this blog (and its predecessor) as a way to paint a detailed picture of the ups and the downs of Navy life, I finally decided that I might as well get all of this off my chest.
I've been starting to realize that this isn't just a short-term problem for a week or so now, but I didn't really let myself see that until yesterday morning. Our pastor paused worship for a second, and asked us each to think of something we are grateful for in our lives, and to praise God through our worship for his goodness to each of us. I couldn't think of anything to feel grateful for. I just felt angry, because God has decided to put me through trial after trial and I don't know why. And then I felt selfish and snotty, because I know that there are so many people who are so much worse off than I am. I spent the rest of the day thinking about things that I am grateful for (I did manage to come up with some, just in case you're about to scold me), but I also tried to figure out what has happened to my life over the past few months.
I realized that, at the very least, I need to just unload for a second. I'm not going to pretend that I have any idea what I'm supposed to be learning from this, or how this all plays into the "bigger picture", and I don't particularly want anybody's opinion about what I should or should not be doing right now...if you don't like that, go read Job and pay close attention to what God says to Job's "helpful" friends. I also don't want to go cry at my girlfriends, because they've all go enough on their plates right now. So I figured this nameless, faceless forum would have to do.
So here's the thing. Daniel decided the other night, maybe a week ago, that he doesn't want to be married anymore. When I asked him why, he said that he's a bad person and he doesn't want to hurt me anymore. I didn't know how to react to that...I mean, shouldn't I be the one to decide when I've had enough? I called him out on that, and said that it sounded like a pretty flimsy "it's-not-you-it's-me" excuse. He insisted that I've been an "amazing" wife, and he's tired of making me hurt when I deserve "so much better"...I didn't know what to say to that. I'm really hurt and really confused and really frustrated.
We've been having issues for awhile, but I thought that things were getting better. The biggest problem is that Daniel tells incessant lies...he lies to everyone about everything. This most likely began when he was a child...he has huge abandonment issues relating to his horrendous childhood, and it's apparently really common for children in similar situations to lie as a way of creating a "safety bubble" around themselves. But now that he's an adult, it's not something that can just be brushed aside. We've been dealing with this problem for years, but he's never really been willing to admit to the problem and take steps to make the changes. This summer, though, some issues regarding infidelity came up, and I realized that I simply couldn't believe a word that came out of my husband's mouth. There is nothing more heart-wrenching than realizing that you can't trust the one person you should be able to trust. We fought our way through those problems, and things seemed to be slowly getting more stable. He started talking to a Chaplain at his FOB, and it seemed to be helping.
That is, until last week. He called me and told me that he couldn't stop lying...that even on deployment, he was lying to his family and friends over the phone, and that he didn't think it was a habit that he would ever be able to break. I told him that he was the only person who made words come out of his mouth, and if he didn't want to tell lies anymore, then he would just have to stop letting lies come out of his mouth. He told me that he couldn't do that. I asked what the Chaplain said, and he said that the Chaplain told him that it was his choice and "some people just can't stop" telling lies. I was angry about that...what kind of Chaplain tells his troops that it's essentially okay for them to tell constant lies? Especially in the Navy, where Daniel is supposed to uphold values like "integrity" and "honor"? Daniel told me that, in talking to the Chaplain, he realized what a "bad person" he really is. I've loved Daniel for five years, and know that he really is a good person. He might have allowed that "good" part of him to get pushed down inside of him, but that it's still there if he wants to pull it back out. He said that he didn't think he could do that, and told me that he wants a divorce.
I'm so overwhelmed...I feel betrayed and angry and hurt and sad and panicky and pretty much every other negative emotion you could think of. I'm infuriated that he's throwing our marriage away because he's unwilling to stop telling lies. I don't want a divorce. Period. I thought that "no divorce" was something we both staunchly believed in...I feel totally blindsided by this. I don't know what to do. At all. About anything.
So that's what's going on here...I'm fighting to save my marriage across thirteen time zones. I suppose that that in itself is a pretty clear picture of what military marriages are all about.
I've been starting to realize that this isn't just a short-term problem for a week or so now, but I didn't really let myself see that until yesterday morning. Our pastor paused worship for a second, and asked us each to think of something we are grateful for in our lives, and to praise God through our worship for his goodness to each of us. I couldn't think of anything to feel grateful for. I just felt angry, because God has decided to put me through trial after trial and I don't know why. And then I felt selfish and snotty, because I know that there are so many people who are so much worse off than I am. I spent the rest of the day thinking about things that I am grateful for (I did manage to come up with some, just in case you're about to scold me), but I also tried to figure out what has happened to my life over the past few months.
I realized that, at the very least, I need to just unload for a second. I'm not going to pretend that I have any idea what I'm supposed to be learning from this, or how this all plays into the "bigger picture", and I don't particularly want anybody's opinion about what I should or should not be doing right now...if you don't like that, go read Job and pay close attention to what God says to Job's "helpful" friends. I also don't want to go cry at my girlfriends, because they've all go enough on their plates right now. So I figured this nameless, faceless forum would have to do.
So here's the thing. Daniel decided the other night, maybe a week ago, that he doesn't want to be married anymore. When I asked him why, he said that he's a bad person and he doesn't want to hurt me anymore. I didn't know how to react to that...I mean, shouldn't I be the one to decide when I've had enough? I called him out on that, and said that it sounded like a pretty flimsy "it's-not-you-it's-me" excuse. He insisted that I've been an "amazing" wife, and he's tired of making me hurt when I deserve "so much better"...I didn't know what to say to that. I'm really hurt and really confused and really frustrated.
We've been having issues for awhile, but I thought that things were getting better. The biggest problem is that Daniel tells incessant lies...he lies to everyone about everything. This most likely began when he was a child...he has huge abandonment issues relating to his horrendous childhood, and it's apparently really common for children in similar situations to lie as a way of creating a "safety bubble" around themselves. But now that he's an adult, it's not something that can just be brushed aside. We've been dealing with this problem for years, but he's never really been willing to admit to the problem and take steps to make the changes. This summer, though, some issues regarding infidelity came up, and I realized that I simply couldn't believe a word that came out of my husband's mouth. There is nothing more heart-wrenching than realizing that you can't trust the one person you should be able to trust. We fought our way through those problems, and things seemed to be slowly getting more stable. He started talking to a Chaplain at his FOB, and it seemed to be helping.
That is, until last week. He called me and told me that he couldn't stop lying...that even on deployment, he was lying to his family and friends over the phone, and that he didn't think it was a habit that he would ever be able to break. I told him that he was the only person who made words come out of his mouth, and if he didn't want to tell lies anymore, then he would just have to stop letting lies come out of his mouth. He told me that he couldn't do that. I asked what the Chaplain said, and he said that the Chaplain told him that it was his choice and "some people just can't stop" telling lies. I was angry about that...what kind of Chaplain tells his troops that it's essentially okay for them to tell constant lies? Especially in the Navy, where Daniel is supposed to uphold values like "integrity" and "honor"? Daniel told me that, in talking to the Chaplain, he realized what a "bad person" he really is. I've loved Daniel for five years, and know that he really is a good person. He might have allowed that "good" part of him to get pushed down inside of him, but that it's still there if he wants to pull it back out. He said that he didn't think he could do that, and told me that he wants a divorce.
I'm so overwhelmed...I feel betrayed and angry and hurt and sad and panicky and pretty much every other negative emotion you could think of. I'm infuriated that he's throwing our marriage away because he's unwilling to stop telling lies. I don't want a divorce. Period. I thought that "no divorce" was something we both staunchly believed in...I feel totally blindsided by this. I don't know what to do. At all. About anything.
So that's what's going on here...I'm fighting to save my marriage across thirteen time zones. I suppose that that in itself is a pretty clear picture of what military marriages are all about.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
one foot in front of the other
My ability to accurately judge the passage of time is quickly flying out the window. This can be a good thing, like when I glanced at the calendar last night and was astonished that Daniel's already been gone for nearly a month...it seems like he just left yesterday. This can also be a bad thing, like when I logged in to my CourseCompass account this afternoon to submit an assignment for my math class, and discovered that today is, in fact, Thursday, and the assignment was actually due by midnight last night. Oops. This is also why I've gotten bad about updating this damn thing..."I'll write something tomorrow" turns into the next day and then the next, and suddenly I guiltily realize that it's been quite a few more "tomorrows" than I care to admit.
I also have been in kind of a funk lately, with everything that's going on, and don't really feel like churning out whiny rants every couple of days. I mean, I'd like you to enjoy reading this blog, instead of groaning inwardly every time you see a new post.
So let me get you all up to speed on everything that's been going on in good ol' San Diego since we chatted last...
Oh, the command Family Readiness Group hosted a Thanksgiving potluck last Sunday at our ombudsman's house. Awilda deserves to be awarded some sort of commendation for having dozens of wives armed with bottles of wine swarming through her house for hours! It was so much fun, though...everybody had a really great time. Everybody has such incredibly busy lives, between work or school or children, and I relish the rare opportunities we are given to get together in one big group. And it's so nice to touch base with the other wives in person: to touch Holly's pregnant belly, to see Lisa's cute new haircut, to give old friends warm hugs. I talked to Cynthia, the new XO's wife, for quite a while, and she seems to be a genuinely nice person. I'm looking forward to getting to know her better! A representative from the command attended the potluck with a video camera, and all of us took turns stepping outside to record video messages to send to our husbands. While Daniel and I are lucky enough to be able to talk on the phone fairly regularly, I think he'll enjoy watching my silly recording on his laptop. Rumor has it that the guys in the desert either have the same video capabilities, or they will be getting them shortly, so here's hoping I get my own silly video from Daniel.
I can't believe that the holidays are upon us already...like I said earlier, I just can't comprehend how fast time is really going by! Daisy and I are taking a road trip up to Oakdale next Tuesday, where we'll spend Thanksgiving surrounded by family and friends before returning to San Diego on Sunday. Once I get back to school, I'll have only a week and a half until final exams start...this semester can't possibly be over already, can it? I'm so glad that time is moving along so quickly, though...I'm ready for June to hurry up and get here!
I also have been in kind of a funk lately, with everything that's going on, and don't really feel like churning out whiny rants every couple of days. I mean, I'd like you to enjoy reading this blog, instead of groaning inwardly every time you see a new post.
So let me get you all up to speed on everything that's been going on in good ol' San Diego since we chatted last...
Oh, the command Family Readiness Group hosted a Thanksgiving potluck last Sunday at our ombudsman's house. Awilda deserves to be awarded some sort of commendation for having dozens of wives armed with bottles of wine swarming through her house for hours! It was so much fun, though...everybody had a really great time. Everybody has such incredibly busy lives, between work or school or children, and I relish the rare opportunities we are given to get together in one big group. And it's so nice to touch base with the other wives in person: to touch Holly's pregnant belly, to see Lisa's cute new haircut, to give old friends warm hugs. I talked to Cynthia, the new XO's wife, for quite a while, and she seems to be a genuinely nice person. I'm looking forward to getting to know her better! A representative from the command attended the potluck with a video camera, and all of us took turns stepping outside to record video messages to send to our husbands. While Daniel and I are lucky enough to be able to talk on the phone fairly regularly, I think he'll enjoy watching my silly recording on his laptop. Rumor has it that the guys in the desert either have the same video capabilities, or they will be getting them shortly, so here's hoping I get my own silly video from Daniel.
I can't believe that the holidays are upon us already...like I said earlier, I just can't comprehend how fast time is really going by! Daisy and I are taking a road trip up to Oakdale next Tuesday, where we'll spend Thanksgiving surrounded by family and friends before returning to San Diego on Sunday. Once I get back to school, I'll have only a week and a half until final exams start...this semester can't possibly be over already, can it? I'm so glad that time is moving along so quickly, though...I'm ready for June to hurry up and get here!
Sunday, November 9, 2008
apologies...
Some things came up this evening, and I'm now WAY behind on studying for tomorrow's math test. Let me just make it through that, and then I'll update tomorrow. I promise. Thanks for understanding!
Sunday, November 2, 2008
this post is brought to you by the letter aaaaaaargh
Can you believe it's November already? Time flies when you're having fun...which, of course, is all I ever do. Or, you know, something like that.
So we've all made it through the first week...and, wow, I don't think this week could have gone by any slower. I really hope time starts speeding up again soon, because I'm not thrilled at the thought of going through so many more months of this. Sigh.
I'm feeling kind of sorry for myself tonight. I'll snap out of it, I promise, but I figure I've earned the right to be cranky for a little while. I really miss my husband. I mean, I know that, in the overall scheme of things, this deployment really isn't that long...but I also know that, as I'm actually going through it, each day seems longer than the day before it. No matter how many deployments we do, I can't imagine them ever being "easy." I'm just working on the whole "one day at a time" thing. Adapt and overcome, right? Right.
I'm keeping busy with school...the student loan fiasco is turning into a full time job, on top of the 18 credits I'm taking this semester. When I accepted USD's offer of admission, I based my acceptance on the terrific financial aid package they offered. USD is an outrageously expensive, prestigious, private Catholic school, and we never could have afforded it on our own. My combination of scholarships, grants, and federal loans covered all but $900 of the an
nual tuition, which we easily could pay out of pocket over the course of the year. All was fine...until I actually started classes. Then, they started asking for all sorts of additional "verification" paperwork...I'd submit one piece, and they'd decide they needed two more, and so on. After I finally finished submitting the piles of forms they requested, they dropped a bombshell: we just make "too much money" and they were retracting most of my offered aid. Now, I don't know about you, but when you think of military paychecks, you don't exactly think of heaps of cash. In fact, the reason that there are countless aid socities providing financial support to military personnel and their families is because we really aren't paid very much. USD doesn't care, though, and has changed our "expected contribution" from $900 to over $12,000. Yes, that would be out-of-pocket expenses. I am so butthurt. I guess I'll just have to stop blowing my lavish piles of money on frivolous things, like gas for my economy car and store-brand food from the commissary, and funnel it towards my silly little Catholic education. Argh.On a brighter note, my favorite uncle is on a business trip in southern California this week. He drove out to San Diego today, and took me out for lunch at Oggi's, one of our favorite pizza-and-beer joints. They brew the best IPA, and make great pizza. Plus, since it was a Sunday afternoon, we kept an eye on all the football games. It was just what I needed: a nice distraction from today's pity party.
Okay, well, I'll stop whining now. Thanks for putting up with me. :)
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
one...two...three years
If you want to be all technical about it, we technically got married three years ago yesterday, due to Guam's position on the far side of the International Date Line. Regardless, today is the second of three anniversaries that Daniel's missed.
It's kind of weird to sit and reflect on my husband and our marriage and all that, while he's halfway around the world. We actually talked briefly this morning, and neither of us even remembered that it was one of those *special* days...I forgot entirely until about an hour after we hung up. He did send me three dozen roses yesterday, and they're in vases all over the house. I guess he gets brownie points for that. ;)
Today was kinda rough...I'm not sure why. I didn't sleep well at all last night, so being really tired all day probably had something to do with it.
Hopefully, I'll be able to get some sleep tonight. I pointedly didn't take a nap today, so maybe that'll help. But anyway, I got home from school at about 1300, and just wandered aimlessly around the house. I couldn't concentrate on anything...it took me almost three hours to finish 16 math problems, because I kept wandering away from the computer. I didn't even really get anything accomplished while I was puttering! I mean, I finally finished the homework, and I started a load of laundry, and that was about it. Oh, and I raked the backyard. Oh, and I made a pretty yellow ribbon to tie around the column on our front porch. See? Okay, I guess I got something done!
Oh, I talked to my amazing mother-in-law this afternoon...seriously, I have the best MIL around and don't know what I'd do without her. ;) Anyway, we were talking about stuff to mail out there, and it reminded me...Daniel's team is going to be stuck at a teeny-tiny little COB in the middle of the desert, alllllll winter. While we all get to sit home in our heated houses eating turkey and other holiday goodies, these poor guys get two meals a day, plus MREs. If you've ever eaten an MRE, you know that they, well, aren't exactly "good eats." If anybody wants to mail out a care package, non-perishable food would be really appreciated. It should take about three weeks for mail from the US to reach his camp, so keep that in mind. Opening a box full of moldy brownies probably won't do a whole lot for their morale. Other than that, I don't think they're picky. If you aren't sure what to send, let me know...I'd love to share ideas. Or if you've got ideas for care packages, feel free to leave a comment. I can't wait to see what you come up with!
It's kind of weird to sit and reflect on my husband and our marriage and all that, while he's halfway around the world. We actually talked briefly this morning, and neither of us even remembered that it was one of those *special* days...I forgot entirely until about an hour after we hung up. He did send me three dozen roses yesterday, and they're in vases all over the house. I guess he gets brownie points for that. ;)
Today was kinda rough...I'm not sure why. I didn't sleep well at all last night, so being really tired all day probably had something to do with it.
Hopefully, I'll be able to get some sleep tonight. I pointedly didn't take a nap today, so maybe that'll help. But anyway, I got home from school at about 1300, and just wandered aimlessly around the house. I couldn't concentrate on anything...it took me almost three hours to finish 16 math problems, because I kept wandering away from the computer. I didn't even really get anything accomplished while I was puttering! I mean, I finally finished the homework, and I started a load of laundry, and that was about it. Oh, and I raked the backyard. Oh, and I made a pretty yellow ribbon to tie around the column on our front porch. See? Okay, I guess I got something done!Oh, I talked to my amazing mother-in-law this afternoon...seriously, I have the best MIL around and don't know what I'd do without her. ;) Anyway, we were talking about stuff to mail out there, and it reminded me...Daniel's team is going to be stuck at a teeny-tiny little COB in the middle of the desert, alllllll winter. While we all get to sit home in our heated houses eating turkey and other holiday goodies, these poor guys get two meals a day, plus MREs. If you've ever eaten an MRE, you know that they, well, aren't exactly "good eats." If anybody wants to mail out a care package, non-perishable food would be really appreciated. It should take about three weeks for mail from the US to reach his camp, so keep that in mind. Opening a box full of moldy brownies probably won't do a whole lot for their morale. Other than that, I don't think they're picky. If you aren't sure what to send, let me know...I'd love to share ideas. Or if you've got ideas for care packages, feel free to leave a comment. I can't wait to see what you come up with!
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